Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Jeeves

Bueford stepped off the covered exit ramp of his L-class Spaceplane and was smacked in the face by the pungent air of Riceworld.

"Jeeves," said Bueford, turning to his companion and servant, whose name, of course, was not Jeeves.

"What is that terrible smell?"

"You said that you wanted to visit the planet where Uncle Ben's Instant Rice, your sixth favorite food, was made... here we are." answered the servant.

"Well, it stinks here," answered the insufferably rich Bueford, "let's leave."

"Are you sure? You've already made an appointment with Abraham Forrester, the manager of the plant. Do you want me to cancel on him?"

"Yes, of course. I can't be bothered with this stench for another minute!" answered Bueford.

Together, they went back up the ramp into the Spaceplace, and got ready for takeoff. Bueford lounged in his giant, vibrating lazy boy, sipping on a coconut margarita. The servant went to up to the kitchen area, waiting for Bueford to make a demand.

A voice buzzed over the intercom. "This is your pilot speaking. We are unable to takeoff just yet, as we need to refuel the plane."
Bueford groaned. He was rich; he didn't have to put up with this nonsense. His family had made quintillions in their business after the Great War by developing the machines that could print the new type of currency. It was impossible to forge, and it was used in all 25 million worlds of the Imperial-controlled galaxy. It was a family joke that they had made all their money by merely printing it. With his money, Bueford had purchased his own planet, and spent all his time traveling to other places.

After about an hour of waiting Bueford called, "Jeeves...Tell the pilot to hurry up, would you? I'm terribly bored sitting here." The servant went up to the control room to talk to the pilot.

"There's no chance of hurrying it up, is there?" he asked. "None at all," answered the pilot. "In fact, we're going to be here for a long time. We have a problem with engine coil. It snapped completely. We have to get a replacement shipped in because it's made out of titanium-polymuriel alloy that impossible to make here."

"So how long could that take to fix."

"Anywhere from six to eight weeks."

Damn, the servant thought to himself. Six to eight weeks on this cramped plane, where he did not so much as have his own room, would be torture. Especially with the rich imbecile calling demands every five minutes.

The servant returned to Bueford to tell him the bad news, making a brief stopover in the kitchen.

"Well," asked Bueford, "What seems to be the problem, Jeeves?"

The servant gave a strained smile, and then took out the butcher's knife he was hiding behind his back. Bueford gave out a small 'ouf' before the servant plunged the knife down into his chest.

"My name is Charles, jackass."

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Charlie

Charlie was adolescent boy, and much like me and you, he had a face with two eyes, a nose and a mouth, he had two arms and two legs with the right amount of fingers and toes. However, Charlie was, it is unfortunate to say, cursed with the affliction of having poor parents.
His parents didn't mean to be poor, but without a college education, Charlie's father was resigned to factory work and his mother was a house keeper for richer folk. Charlie also had the severe misfortune of living with all four of his grandparents. He loved them dearly, but they only took up space in their tiny apartment and food from the mouths of Charlie and his parents. Charlie expected that it was only a matter of time before his father shipped his grandparents off to the glue factory.
You would expect, due to his destitute upbringings, that Charlie would have nothing to live for, but this was not the case. As it turns out, Charlie had one dream, and that was, of course, to win Mr. Willie Wonka's candy bar competition. All one had to do was open a Wonka chocolate bar, find a golden ticket, and win a lifetimes supply of chocolate and a tour of the factory.
One day, when walking home from school, Charlie found some money on the ground. It was enough money to either buy two chocolate bars for himself, or to buy regular food for his family for the rest of the month (Wonka chocolate is a notorious luxury item). Being the inconsiderate boy that he is, he bought two Wonka bars.
He wolfed down the first bar, noting with sadness that there was no golden ticket to be found. He opened the second bar and tore off the wrapper and there he found, as one could almost predict, a golden ticket!
He ran home to his parents to show them his good fortune.

"Mother, Father! I found the last golden ticket!" shouted Charlie exitedly.
Charlie's glanced his way. "So?" his father said, with a bored look on his face.

"Don't you understand father?" said Charlie, "This is a once-in-a lifetime opportunity!"
"Did you read the golden ticket?" asked his father, petulantly.
Charlie looked down at his ticket and saw, with surprize that it was more of a yellowish color then it was gold.

Charlie cleared his throat.

"Redeem this ticket for one medium-sized Wonka product at your nearest candy shop."

"You see," said Charlie's father. "This is real life. And in real life, there is no such thing as little boys being granted there one true wish, even in the face of adversity. I'm thinking that's something you should get used to, because as of tomorrow, you're going to quit school and start working in a sweat shop."

With that, Charlie's father lifted all four of the grandparents over his shoulder, and made his way towards the glue factory.

Monday, May 08, 2006

The Time Traveler

"Ah Ha" he said, with the utmost sincerity. "I have discovered how to travel through time."

Around him, his critics stared at him, aprehensive of his obvious discovery.

"How can you be sure." asked one of his attendents, a mellow chap, with a white surgical suit and a finely trimmed mustache.

"It's easy" said the man, "all you need is a mechanism to maintain the wormholes, which I have just discovered now. From there, you can easily slip through a hole in any standard Rv-Class Space Ship. Though, I expect they'll be changing the name to Space-Time ships now."

"Don't be silly" said his companion, "There's no material that could maintain the opening of a wormhole. Why don't you sit back and try to relax."

The man looked around, surprized to find that he wasn't in his laboratory at all. "Strange," he said, non-plussed. "Isn't this the University? And say, why am I lying down?"

And, indeed, the man was lying down. It appeared to be a bed of some sort, but the kind that was more commonly seen at doctor's offices then in the privacy of a bedroom. Not only that, but the man found that he was wearing some sort of tight sweater. He couldn't move his arms. That's when the panic set in.

"Say," said the man frantically "what am I doing here?."

Then, one of the doctors bent over him, with a syringe. The man stared wide-eyed and fearful for a second, and then everything went dark.

"Poor bloke" said the atendant with the mustache. "Doesn't even know he's loony. He was a physicist in his real life, you know. Last week, he said he discovered a way to travel through time, but went insane soon after. Of course, one has to wonder if the man went insane before 'discovering' time travel, or if he actually did discover how to do it, which caused him to loose his mind."